Tag Archives: pain

Dec. 30.

And So It Begins … Again

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Good Day |
Comments (16)

When I saw the oncologist last week we didn’t have the results from the CT Scan. I saw my regular physician this week and he had the results. And I’ll be candid … they aren’t good. The scan revealed what I already knew — that the nodule on my neck was not the only lymphoma mass that would be found. In fact, by the time I went to the doctor this week, a few more had made their presence known. I have a smattering in the neck area, one in the chest, and several in the abdomen. My doctor, who is a cautious physician, wants me to discuss prognosis with the oncologist. And being me, I asked what value it would have to know a number that is going to be inaccurate anyway?

My first acts to accomplish in 2017 is to get my affairs in order. Not because I believe I’m dying or that I won’t recover, but because it needs to be done and has been on my mind for some time and it is time to stop procrastinating. EVERYONE should have their affairs in order. You never know when that bus is going to run you over. Plain and simple. No one is guaranteed any specific time on this Earth. And now that I’ve said that, I have NO intention of going anywhere anytime soon. I have too much to accomplish with my life and I intend to do it.

My doctor was a little down with my results. My lab results are bad. My scan results are bad. But I was ready to dance a jig because the scan results had one result that made me very, very happy. I have been having near constant pain under my left rib cage for a few weeks, and eating certain foods made it extremely painful, which I have been finding out by trial and error. When with the oncologist, we discussed and we both felt it might be an enlargement of the spleen. Which is something you DON’T want. The scan results showed that my spleen was perfectly normal and the area where the pain is coming from is where there are some lymphoma lumps taking up space. We’re getting ready to blast those with chemo, so they will be going bye-bye, and I’ll just have small, soft meals in the meantime. But there was one little problem. I didn’t have the chemo meds yet and didn’t know when they would arrive. My doc got the oncologists office on the line and asked them to find out what was going on as he wanted me on the chemo immediately. There had been a slight mix-up and the meds had not been ordered, but they got it straightened out same day, and I received the shipment yesterday.

The chemo comes from a specialty pharmacy and so far I am incredibly impressed. They provide a mechanism to help you remember whether you have taken your medication or not as well as timer to put on the bottle cap that will alert you that it is time to take your next dose. And for me, this is fabulous. I don’t do pill dispensers well (it is such a hassle to fill them for me), so the little thing to flip it to show that you’ve taken it IS something I can do. Especially as it sticks directly on the bottle itself. And the timer??? Brilliant. Especially when I lose track of time so easily. Then after they arrived, the pharmacist called and went over how I am to take the medication, what to do, what not to do, and to let me know that they had trained staff available via phone 24/7 if I had any questions or couldn’t reach my doctor.

I will shortly be taking my second dose. So far, so good. A brief period of wooziness, but other than that feeling the same. The biggest thing for me to figure out was when to schedule the dose because I have to take on an empty stomach, so nothing 2 hours prior and 1 hour after (except water), and it has to be taken at the same time every day (hence the handy dandy timer). When I saw that it may cause dizziness, I decided to wait until after I had seen the knee doctor yesterday (yes, I managed to get some fluid on my knee that was giving me some trouble), so I felt after dinner would be good. That way, if I’m not feeling well, I can simply go to bed.

The picture at the top of the post fits the mood right now so perfectly. Yes, there is darkness, but the light is shining through. I am filled with hope and am so encouraged to be taking action to beat this cancer back down into submission. I am blessed in my friends and the number of people who care about me, I will never be able to say Thank You enough.

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Feb. 19.

The Blahs Hit

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Meh |
Comments (4)

The photo for today involves fog because right now I’m feeling a bit foggy. Today I was focused on the day job and got a lot accomplished. The problem is that when I was done with the day, I suddenly realized I wasn’t feeling all that great. Nauseous, tired, and completely unmotivated to work on anything—even this post. HA!

But then I realized one beautiful thing … I’ve been going through chemo for 4 months now, and tonight I’m more nauseous than I’ve been the entire time … and it’s manageable. I was able to have something to eat (nothing fancy, a helping of mashed potatoes) and I have not become one with the great porcelain bowl. And I’m starting to feel a tad better. Not great, but not as lousy as I was before.

I saw my doctor yesterday and she mildly chastised me for not sharing all my symptoms with her. (Ironically, yesterday I felt great.) And I told her my journey was so relatively light, I don’t really think of the negative symptoms as negative. Yes, after every chemo session I go through a few days of turning into a gas factory … I take the anti-nausea medications she prescribed and keep it in check. Yes, every treatment cycle means I’ll retain water like a camel and it takes a couple weeks to get back to normal. Yes, the injection to boost my white count gives me a headache and backaches, sometimes more severe than others, but these are known side effects, and none of it is beyond my ability to deal with. Yes, I get tired after the treatments, but I’m encouraged by how much better my energy is getting in between treatments.

So the bottom line is, I don’t talk about feeling poorly because I really haven’t had a bad time of it. I know many others who have had a much rougher time, so I feel blessed. But since I am not feeling the swiftest tonight, I am not working on things (other than this post) will probably watch a movie or read a little and get some rest. Oh, and I absolutely attribute my ability to stay well to keeping myself isolated most of the time, and being diligent about wearing a surgical mask when having to go out in public at any time.

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dec. 11.

A Difference in Perspective

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Musings |
Comments (2)

My Status: Improving
Mood: Appeased

Yesterday I was a bit down. Discouraged because I wasn’t able to go through with the chemo treatment as planned. I had actually thought I might not be able to do so because my allergies had flared because we have had some winds and I had been coughing. I still am. Post-nasal-drip coughs, but I woke up this morning wheezing. It’s the reason I am trying to view the non-chemo this week as a blessing. I do believe it is probably best that I did not undergo the treatments.

So why am I rehashing what I said yesterday? Because I figured out why I took the lack of treatment so hard. If I hadn’t been able to have the treatments because of the condition of my lungs, that is a long-known issue, and one I have lived with my entire life. The potential for something to go wrong with my lungs this time of year is pretty great, and therefore somewhat anticipated. But to be told to go home because of my blood results was something different.

Here’s how I heard it: You’re too sick for chemo. It’s hard enough for me to grasp the fact that I’m sick. Most days. But now I’m too sick for the treatment??? It made me feel like the picture above … climbing a treacherous path, not able to see clearly ahead. Just looking at that picture I feel claustrophobic. Conditions icy and dark, meaning I will slip and fall. And I did fall … mood-wise. Yesterday and part of this morning were a little rough. Not to the point of despair, but trying to focus on the positive was out of reach.

I am doing better mood-wise now. And part of that is due to seeing my regular doc for the Blepharitis recheck. The eye infection has cleared—YAY!!!—but that isn’t what caused my mood to lift. I mentioned the elevated liver enzymes to my doc and he agreed that the issue was the anti-inflammatories I took due to the knee pain. And having him confirm my gut instinct helped me. I can now focus on the fact that there is a cause which is no longer in effect. And he recommended Icy Hot for any future flare ups while I’m going through the chemo.

And he was a tad cranky because the oncologist did not advise him of the blood results. He had called her with the Blepharitis diagnosis and likes to be kept in the loop about what is going on with my treatments. I expect another phone call will be made. And I’m a little cranky that they didn’t call me on Monday to let me know the results. As they SHOULD have.

Tonight I have gained a little perspective about the road ahead. It’s still just as treacherous. It’s icy and dark, and the trek won’t be easy, but I can once again see the light. A beacon to guide me through my journey. Amazing how different the same road looks with different perspective, right?

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dec. 06.

Crankiness and Hope

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Musings |
Comments (0)
Christmas by Ironii

Christmas by Ironii

My Status: Feeling Better
Mood: Irritated

Warning—what follows may be a bit of a ramble
I ain’t gonna lie—this week has been a rough one. Starting off with the touch of depression which was ripped apart by knee pain, which then morphed into overall body pain, followed up with an eye infection… and that was just the physical part. Even worse was the work week where each day had another bomb to deliver. Fire-fighting all week leaves me feeling unaccomplished and wrung out. But today was Friday and I woke up with my pain levels well under control. I should be glad, right?

Wrong. I had one of those rare mornings where every little thing irritated me. Things that I normally take in my stride caused my inner Oscar-the-Grouch to start throwing slimy banana peels all over the place. Fortunately, being alone with the pups allowed me to vent without hurting anyone’s feelings. The girls are used to my talking to myself all the time anyway, so they just let me grumble without comment. And the most irritating thing?? Knowing I was being cranky about things—picky, itty-bitty, not really all that important things—things that weren’t worth the upset.

So you’d think the work week would want to lighten up on Friday … not a chance. Things kept going along the same tail-spin they’d been in all week. Which means I didn’t get to something I need to have done before Tuesday. Hopefully Monday will be a kinder day. The deadline is because I start my next chemo cycle on Tuesday and I need to put together instructions for someone who is not familiar with the things I’ve built on what to do if they don’t function properly because my colleague who would normally be holding down the fort has been summoned for jury duty. I’m actually hoping everything decided to blow a gasket this week, so next week will be smooth—but I know better.

Then early afternoon, I received a message from a friend sending good thoughts and virtual hugs and it helped turn my sour day right-side up again. Work finally finished for the week, I still felt wiped out, but no longer cranky. Putting in my headphones, I listened to some music to help me unwind, and finally feel a bit more centered. Music is my creative fuel.

So while listening, unwinding, and trying to decide whether it is more reading or whether words on the page were finally going to happen, I saw a link to the below video on Facebook. I am so glad I took out my headphones long enough to listen to what this 13-year-old boy has to say. Kids like this give me so much hope for the future. What he has to say applies not only to kids and education, but to life and we can all learn from it.

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dec. 02.

What a Difference a Day Makes…

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Hallelujah |
Comments (6)

ChristmasBed

My Status: MUCH better
Mood: Ebullient

My title of the post today may be a bit cliché, but it is the truth. Or maybe more appropriately, what a difference a good night sleep makes. Yesterday, by the time I had posted about the whole knee incident, I was feeling a bit better. Today when I awoke, my knee was a bit stiff… that’s it. Right now it feels like nothing ever happened. Okay, so my arms and back are still telling me that my right knee refused to cooperate and they had to pick up the slack, but other than that??? Not a sign in my knee that it has been anything other than right as rain. And my arms are better. They no longer shake when trying to lift them more than three inches and I can actually raise them above my head without more than a minor protest. They feel like I went to the gym and was over aggressive about working out. Which is close to the truth.

Yesterday morning, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make the commute to work … across the upstairs landing to my office. And the thought of getting up and sitting down in my chair, and making the trek back to the bedroom overwhelmed me. But I put in a full day’s work, made it up and down the stairs several times, and drove myself to the doctor’s office and had my labs done—all without one ounce of pain and I didn’t even wear the knee stabilizer.

The fateful meeting between Doogie and me took place today. Since I had called in and spoken to him, he had to see me when I was in to have my blood drawn. Yes, he still has all of his own teeth—I restrained myself from kicking them down his throat. Probably because I felt so good. Sunday might have been touch and go, especially before the drugs finally kicked in. I did manage to make the points that all I needed were some drugs that were stronger than Tylenol. He was thorough enough to pull up the records from my trip to the ER, and since they had forgotten to post the Doppler results, he had them sent right over as well. His conclusion was about the same as the ER doc—no one has a clue about why the knee responded in the way that it did. Doogie does agree that calling the oncologist vs. my regular doc was the best course of action. Now comes the big question … do I still have to go to my regular doc since I saw a doc today? Ask my doc and he’ll tell you yes, I do need to see him. But he’ll agree the strangeness surrounding the knee issue would be more indicative of a possible chemo reaction. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen again.

Anyway, if you can’t tell, I’m just so happy to be out of the pain that I was in … and that’s all that matters today. Well, that and as I posted on Facebook, I may have just had my first Christmas miracle of 2013. Denny decided to make himself dinner tonight, and it did not require reheating of something purchased from a fast food establishment, or simply heating up in the microwave. He was ambitious and actually made his very own salmon burger. He did ask me how, brought me the package and I told him only to make up one patty and to use olive oil in our cute little fry pan (and to use the lid from the pot so it didn’t splatter all over). He was quite proud of how he put everything together and told me it was quite delicious. And when I checked the kitchen later … it was STILL STANDING. No scorches, and the stove top was in decent shape. A TREMENDOUS milestone has been crossed.

The picture at the top of this post has special significance. Yesterday as we were both crashing—Denny from exhaustion, me from drugs and actively seeking oblivion—Denny said, I guess we won’t be changing the bed today. Sunday is the day I like to wash and change the bedding, a process he thinks is far too frequent, by the way. I think he said monthly is sufficient. I disagree—we do it my way. But to be honest, another day that comment might have irritated me, but the thought of having to move enough to even strip the bed wore me out, so as much as I love clean sheets, they’d be fine for another day (and at that point I was thinking or seven). By the time he made it home from work, I had stripped the bed, washed the blanket and the sheets were in the dryer, and the fitted sheets were in place. So he helped me with the blanket and Christmas comforter. I may not get much decorating done this year. I’ll live. But at least the bed has been decorated and was my triumph over the latest bump in the road.

PS Elsa couldn’t figure out why I was taking a picture of the bed … she was just happy the flash wasn’t going off in her eyes.

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dec. 01.

Just Pain, Not Gain

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Bad Day |
Comments (8)

My Status: In pain
Mood: Coming out of the dark

This post is a completely different one that I had planned for yesterday—a post I didn’t get to because of pain. Yesterday’s post would have been about depression and the month of November … I may yet write that one, so won’t say any more now. Why didn’t I post it? Simple. Yesterday when I woke up, my right knee hurt.

Gryphon

Gryphon

Knee pain on waking used to be a lot more frequent when my dog Gryphon was still alive. Gryphon would get hot, and would move down to the end of the bed, and curl up next to me. She always had to be touching someone during sleep, so she’d roll against my lower legs and put enough pressure on them to throw my back out of whack. So I am very experienced on what knee pain feels like when the alignment of my spine is out. This wasn’t it. No dog had slept down by my feet, both Phoenix and Elsa prefer to be up by our heads. And I knew where both girls were night before last because Denny has been on the graveyard shift, so Phoenix curls up with her butt next to my pit, and Elsa tries to mold herself to my side right under that—with her butt next to Phoenix’s so she can kick her in the middle of the night.

So on waking, when I had no back pain, only knee pain, I wondered what the heck was going on. But since the pain was around level 3 of the 10-point pain scale, I figured that as I was up and moving around, it’d get better. It didn’t. I tried heat, I tried ice, I tried elevating it, I tried arnica, I tried the bed massaging vibrations, I tried using my spike matt, and when none of these tried-and-true methods helped to alleviate the pain, and the pain kept increasing, I took some Tylenol. And before anyone tells me I should have taken ibuprofen or Aleve, I can’t due to my propensity for gastritis—and that’s a sleeping monster I don’t want to wake at the moment.

The pain kept increasing to the point where it had risen from a 3 to an 8 on the 10-point scale. 10 being shoot me now, 9 being crying profusely, 8 is whimpering and moaning—I can’t take much more. Couple this with the fact that I normally have a high pain tolerance, and I was running a low-grade fever, I figured it was time to place a call to the doctor—I needed buffer pain meds… but which one should I call?

I chose to call the oncologist because I wanted to rule out any connection/reaction to the chemo, etc. As I was going through the number selections to appropriately direct my call, I found out the doctor on call that day was Doogie. Crap!! I hung up, but the answering service called me back. I gave Doogie the summary of what had been going on, that the leg did not seem overly swollen (maybe a smidge, but nothing more), that I was running a low-grade fever, and that Tylenol was doing nothing to resolve the issue, and the pain kept getting worse. His response? Give the Tylenol more time to work, keep taking it every 6-8 hours, and he’d be in the office on Monday when I had to go back for labs and he’d take a look at it then if it were still a problem.

I should have called my regular doc. He’d have understood that when I said my pain level was an 8 and it kept increasing, all I was looking for was for something to help reduce the pain level—then I would care what it was and why it hurt, but until the pain was under control, I didn’t really give a rip. By this point, I couldn’t walk without hanging on to something and walk is throwing roses at what I was doing. You couldn’t even call it a hobble. Getting in and out of bed was an excruciating process, and trips up and down the stairs were close to torture (and therefore kept to the absolute minimum). The stairs I managed by using the rail and my arms took the brunt of my weight. Mind you, I could stand still without pain, but any flexing of the knee, and later even the ankle caused pain to invade every part of me.

So this morning, as soon as Denny got home, entailed a trip to the emergency room. I had not slept due to the pain and there was no way I could contemplate it continuing to get worse until Monday, when Doogie said he’d look at it. We got there early and were back in the exam room within 10 minutes, perhaps an ER first for expediency. Then the speed broke down. More than 4 hours later, we finally left with a completely inconsequential diagnosis of maybe the pain stemming from an arthritic condition in the knee. When I first was taken back, they gave me some dilaudid and some anti-nausea meds because I always get sick with dilaudid. Then I saw the doc, they ran a bunch of tests—x-rays, blood tests, ultra sound, etc. During this phase, it was great, the pain meds had kicked in and I felt good. But because I had to stay in the horrid hospital bed for the amount of time I did, by the time I left, I was actually worse than when I had arrived. My neck and arm muscles were exceptionally sore, I had a knee stabilizer put on which meant I couldn’t bend the knee, which was not working with the wheelchair because there was no support for the fully extended leg.

Poor Denny was so tired by this point, he was reaching shut down mode, but I couldn’t drive… my pain level ALL OVER was now at about 8.5. We had a (very) slight fender bender exiting the freeway because people were rolling through the light to turn right, Denny looked away to check for oncoming traffic and the girl in front of him had abruptly stopped instead of rolling through. We weren’t even going 10 mph, but her take on the situation rivaled the end of the world. We finally got to the pharmacy, and Denny played the hero by taking my pain med prescription in and waiting for it to be ready—even with as tired as he was.

As soon as we reached home, we had a bite to eat and then crashed (me with pain meds, Denny from exhaustion). And as I suspected, the pain meds did their job. Pain levels back down to a 4 for the knee, and 5 for the arms and back strain. Tomorrow is now a doable day.

I loved the lightning picture because it truly suited my day yesterday. I had the darkness of depression, but pain ripped through it to give me something else to think about.

Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

UA-19119025-1