Tag Archives: bloating

Apr. 10.

Chemo Comes To An End

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Hallelujah |
Comments (8)

Balloons

***fires off confetti cannon***

I have not posted this chemo cycle like I have done the others … one post per day, because I didn’t want to post a series of DONE posts. Which at the moment is how I feel. DONE.

Done with the monthly trips to kill off the bad blood cells. Done with sitting in a chair for hours on end waiting for the drugs to drip into my system. Done with being a pack mule carrying all the stuff to keep me occupied during those hours. Done with feeling myself swell up like a balloon from water retention. And OH SO READY to get my life back to some semblance of normal.

But as much as I’d love to celebrate (and I will because what is each step forward on life’s journey without a bit of celebration) the END of cancer in my body, I cannot. I will celebrate the end of this round of chemo. I will patiently await for the results of the tests that will determine how effective the chemo has been at ridding me of the bad abnormalities they found in my blood system. But the truth of the matter is, however much I want to say done with cancer, it is not done with me.

This is step 2 along my journey with cancer at best (and may there be many more steps, because as long as I’m stepping, I’m living.) The types of cancer I have, chronic lymphocytic leukemia and small cell non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, are not curable (today), so I will be living with them for a while—may it be a long while. Fortunately, they, by themselves, are not aggressive, and can be managed mostly through monitoring my blood values. As long as I keep up with the monitoring we’ll know how things stand and I’ll be able to take my life back. If the counts get out of whack, then we’ll whack back with some drugs and put them back where they should be.

So for me, this is done with chemo, for now. I don’t know whether I will need chemo again in the future, so I don’t want to be categoric about never needing it again. I might. I don’t know. But for now, let the dance party begin. I am done with this cycle of chemo, and that is enough to celebrate. What happens in the future will happen. And I’ll deal with it, just as I have dealt with this episode. Head on, flinching only when necessary.

The truth is that in looking at the grand design of my life (that which I can see at any rate) since I had to go through chemo—this was good timing. Since I had to do it. I have kept busy. Things have been changing on the writing side of life for the better, and things are getting ready to break open there, so better now than later to be isolated from the rest of the world. I need my energy back because I have so much to accomplish … I’m ready to spread my wings and soar.

The balloons in the post header are for the celebration. It’s time to relaunch my life.

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Feb. 28.

Fatigued

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Musings |
Comments (2)

Yawn! That pretty much sums up this week for me. I’ve been tired every single day. This should have been the week my energy came bouncing back, but instead of bouncing, it hit the floor and played dead. Every day has left me bleary-eyed by 5 PM, and that’s with taking a lunchtime nap during the work day.

I realized a few days ago that I had been so tired I forgot to have my dandelion tea, which is probably why I’m still retaining excess water. I don’t know if it’s the changing weather or just that the chemo is hitting me harder this month … but I do know, I don’t like feeling this tired. I want to crawl into the castle in the picture and sleep for about a month. And at the same time, I want to get things accomplished. Not once in my entire life have I ever accomplished more than dreams and ideas while sleeping. Which by the way, I don’t want to give up the dreams and ideas, they help fuel my writing.

Not to go on and on whining about my tiredness, I have had some bright spots to my week. Even late this afternoon as my energy level was plunging, I figured out a possible solution for something in the day job, so I’ll be ready to tackle it and see whether I can make it a reality on Monday. I’ve been doing some research for my newest story and found out some important information about my main character this week. And, of course, the brightest spot to the week was signing with Italia Gandolfo of Gandolfo Helin Literary Management.

Other than being plum tuckered, I’m doing well. My blood values remain good, and I’m feeling well—except for the fatigue. Yesterday and today have been marginally better energy-wise, but tonight I may just lean back and stare at the ceiling for a while (otherwise known as pre-plotting) 😀 .

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Feb. 19.

The Blahs Hit

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Meh |
Comments (4)

The photo for today involves fog because right now I’m feeling a bit foggy. Today I was focused on the day job and got a lot accomplished. The problem is that when I was done with the day, I suddenly realized I wasn’t feeling all that great. Nauseous, tired, and completely unmotivated to work on anything—even this post. HA!

But then I realized one beautiful thing … I’ve been going through chemo for 4 months now, and tonight I’m more nauseous than I’ve been the entire time … and it’s manageable. I was able to have something to eat (nothing fancy, a helping of mashed potatoes) and I have not become one with the great porcelain bowl. And I’m starting to feel a tad better. Not great, but not as lousy as I was before.

I saw my doctor yesterday and she mildly chastised me for not sharing all my symptoms with her. (Ironically, yesterday I felt great.) And I told her my journey was so relatively light, I don’t really think of the negative symptoms as negative. Yes, after every chemo session I go through a few days of turning into a gas factory … I take the anti-nausea medications she prescribed and keep it in check. Yes, every treatment cycle means I’ll retain water like a camel and it takes a couple weeks to get back to normal. Yes, the injection to boost my white count gives me a headache and backaches, sometimes more severe than others, but these are known side effects, and none of it is beyond my ability to deal with. Yes, I get tired after the treatments, but I’m encouraged by how much better my energy is getting in between treatments.

So the bottom line is, I don’t talk about feeling poorly because I really haven’t had a bad time of it. I know many others who have had a much rougher time, so I feel blessed. But since I am not feeling the swiftest tonight, I am not working on things (other than this post) will probably watch a movie or read a little and get some rest. Oh, and I absolutely attribute my ability to stay well to keeping myself isolated most of the time, and being diligent about wearing a surgical mask when having to go out in public at any time.

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Jan. 17.

The Aftermath

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Meh |
Comments (2)

My Status: Headache-y
Mood: Cranky

Today what my body has been through in the last week caught up with me. Tired, headache I can’t seem to get rid of, and I’m retaining water like a camel. So I took it slow and easy this morning. I had an appointment with the surgeon for the port recheck today at 11:30, so I geared my morning toward prepping for that. My only problem with the recheck was finding the doctor’s office.

Once again, I didn’t get a confirmation call… and if I had, things might have gone a lot smoother because I might have questioned them when they told me to go to an office I’d never heard of. Not even thinking twice about it, I hopped in the car and went to the office I know… to be told when I walked in the door that I was at the wrong location. The receptionist handed me a card with the address, a place MUCH closer to my house, and off I went. Good thing I was early for the appointment at the wrong place, eh? I arrived at the “new” location and couldn’t find the suite on the card, so popped into the Urgent Care facility on the ground floor and asked. The receptionist there looked at me like I had two heads. So I asked for the doctor… OHHHH despite having 101 as the suite number on the card, he was upstairs… they didn’t tell me what suite, but gave me lousy directions “just up the stairs”.

By this time, my temper was frayed. The headache I had been trying to outrun came on full force, and I was NOT a happy camper. This is one of those times where I know my anger was disproportionate to the situation, but I also couldn’t change things. (Don’t worry, I didn’t behead anyone… I just kept stating over and over that I was NOT happy.) Fortunately, everything is good with the port, and I don’t have to go back unless there is a problem with it. And the drive home was short after having driven half the county earlier.

Knowing I wasn’t fit for any interactions with people, when I got home, I took a nap, hoping the headache would go away. No such luck. Of course, I’m way behind on getting fluids into me because I haven’t figured out how to sleep and drink at the same time. Pushing the fluids will ultimately help the head situation. I did ice it, so the edge has been dimmed, but still suffering with it. I am now drinking tea, and will try a little food before nausea kicks in, but I do have to say today has not been one of my favorites. I really could have done without the extra driving and the headache can leave any time.

The picture shows how I feel… being beaten by the forces of nature at the moment.

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Dec. 19.

Cycle 2, Day 3 – Hydration

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Good Day |
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My Status: Feeling okay
Mood: Good mood in progress

Today was pretty smooth, only 4 hours (supposedly 3 hours per my scheduled times, but we’ve had to throw the general time frames out with me). Nothing but hydration and the injection to boost my white cell counts. The injection is to help boost my immune system and hopefully keep me from getting sick after the treatments. But I have to watch for any sort of reaction, especially after this round of chemo, because it could cause difficulty breathing, flu-like symptoms, etc. So for the next couple days, I have to monitor my temperature and call in if it goes above 99F. And since some of the symptoms of an allergic reaction are the same as what I’m already experiencing from the reaction on Tuesday—puffy face and eyes, mild shortness of breath, etc.—it may be a bit difficult to distinguish whether the reaction is still residual or coming on for a bit. I’ll get it figured out. And I did do well with the injection the last cycle.

The worst of it should be joint and bone pain, and here’s hoping the knee doesn’t blow up again. I don’t want that to look forward to each time I go through a chemo cycle. Especially since the way to control the knee pain causes issues with my liver. Speaking of the liver, as soon as I can get some, I’m going to try drinking at least a cup of dandelion tea each day. Dandelion tea is supposed to help increase liver function, and I have okay’d its use with my doc. I certainly don’t want to do anything that will hinder this process, so everything, down to herbal remedies will be confirmed before consumed.

As with the last cycle, by the time I hit this morning, I was carrying approximately 7 extra pounds of water weight. The water retention because of the steroids is going to be an ongoing battle. I am doing my part by drinking as much fluids as I can … alternating tea and water. Each day during the chemo, I drank a huge thermos full of tea and at least one 17 oz. bottle of water. The longer I was in the chair, the more water I drank.

This cycle I have noticed a definite difference in my energy levels. I’ll be going along fine, and then I’ll hit the wall, and when the wall is hit there is NO keeping my eyes open. I have to lay down before I fall down. Part of that is likely due to the reaction to the drug on Tuesday, at least I’m hoping so. I normally am the sort of person to want to power through dips in energy, but I am listening (as if I had a choice this time) and getting the rest when I need it. Fortunately, an hour does the trick to rejuvenate and I’m ready to roll again for a few hours.

I don’t have my schedule yet for January, so we’ll have to sit tight for another week or so to know when that’s happening, and I’ll have to go in right before hand to have the port to put in to make things a little easier for everyone with my small, deep, slippery veins. One woman in with me today had similar issues with her veins, and the port was suggested, but she declined. She’s on her (hopefully) last chemo cycle and didn’t want to go through it. But for me, with still two-thirds of the way to go, it simply makes sense.

The picture at the top was a seasonal snowflake in honor of hydration day, plus I thought the color was fabulous.

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Nov. 24.

Venturing Out

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Musings |
Comments (10)

My Status: Feeling Relaxed
Mood: Amused

Today I actually ventured out of the house. Since having my treatments, I’ve pretty much been a hermit. Not intentionally, but my morning commute to work is now simply crossing the landing to my office, Denny has done the shopping so I wouldn’t have to be out and about with the general public, and so really there has been no reason for me to leave the house. Stir crazy? Not yet. (Give me time.)

But with the way my arms have been, I thought it’d be a good idea to get a massage, and there just happens to be a massage place about a block and a half from me. Convenient, isn’t it? Maybe not so much for the pocketbook, but we’ll see how things go. I’ve had several massages in the past, but one thing I have noticed … no massage therapist is ever the same. And this experience was no different. I did make sure, to the best of my ability, that the therapist did not have a cold before going in. The reason I said to the best of my ability is that the owner and therapist were Chinese with limited capacity for the English language and my Chinese is non-existent.

I will state up front, I don’t have modesty issues—and it’s a good thing. We started off the session, as normal, going into the room and the therapist indicating I was to lie on the table face-down. I mentioned I’d need a towel to place under my chest. For the uninitiated, I have big boobs, and lying on a flat table with no additional support to relieve the pressure hurts. It’s common practice and some therapists offer before I can ask. Today’s therapist nodded and grinned and left the room. I proceeded to undress.

This may be TMI, but when I disrobe for a massage, my preference is to go full Monty. It’s easier for the therapist not to have to work around under garments, and provides me with a better overall massage. I was on the table trying to figure out how to appropriately drape the small bath towel left on the table for the purpose when the knock came at the door. I said, “Just a moment,” and she barged into the room (sans the towel I had requested). Like I said … good thing I don’t have modesty issues. We got me settled and the massage began. Things were going well about half-way through the massage when I heard a new customer arrive. A few others had shown up after me, and all therapists were now engaged, and I heard the new person being told that very thing.

What blew my mind was that he argued that he really wanted a massage now and didn’t want to wait. And it was explained, again, that everyone was busy. Now this is a walk-in, not someone who had an appointment for a specific time. Grumbling, the guy settled down in the lobby area. Fast forward about five minutes. I’m still face-down on the table, half-draped while the therapist worked my entire right back side, from shoulder down to leg and the phone rang. My therapist left to answer the phone.

Leaving the Door. Wide. Open.

Yes, I peeked. Wide open to the hall. I’m draped on one side only (the side away from the door) and the guy from the lobby decides to start pacing the hall. I kept my head down and relaxed. There was nothing I could do except make the situation worse by getting up … and I don’t embarrass easily. So I listen to this guy pacing past my door on his cell phone, and he’s complaining again. “I’m here and have already been waiting for five minutes.”

I started to laugh. For all the world, it sounded as if this guy had decided to call them and make an appointment, for, oh yeah, right now. Coincidentally, he concluded his call, and my therapist returned to the room and continued my massage.

For all my writer friends, this scene is mine… ALL mine. It will go in a book somehow. I will make it happen.

The thing that this therapist did differently than any massage I had experienced (other than leaving the door wide open) was that she knelt on the backs of my legs and used her knees to massage the bottom parts of my glutes while using her hands to work the lower back and top of the glutes. It was an interesting technique. I may be wearing a few bruises (on my back) from the massage, but it was worth getting the knots out.

After my massage, I came home and took a 3 hour nap. Then was putzing around on the computer, chatting with a friend and getting some things posted, picking out the picture for this post, and I started to feel a bit nauseous. And realized the only thing I’d had in the past 9 hours was a 20 oz bottle of G2 (Gatorade light) which took me 3 hours to drink. No WONDER I was getting nauseous. That is one thing I have noticed, when my stomach hits empty, it is much easier for me to feel nauseous. Even if I only have a little something—solid—it helps.

The bout of nausea has been dealt with, and I am currently making up for lost liquid consumption. Especially having had a massage, I need to push fluids. Good thing I had that nap.

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Nov. 22.

How We Forget

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Musings |
Comments (13)

My Status: Feeling Good
Mood: Content

Last night I was finishing up some work stuff and trying to figure out what my evening would look like, when I smelled a waxy, unscented, burning candle-like smell coming from downstairs. Denny was downstairs puttering around in the kitchen getting ready for work (he worked graveyard last night). Next thing I know, Elsa (my little blonde pup) is upstairs, plumping both paws on my left leg, giving me the full pick me up treatment and panting hard. I told her no and gently pushed her paws aside. She then ran around to my right leg and repeated her performance. I again told her I wasn’t picking her up and asked what was wrong. Usually, she takes my no and curls up at my feet. Not to be denied, she squeezed past my legs onto the small desk shelf and crawled up my legs into my lap.

She was distraught and shaking, so I cuddled her for a few moments and set her down… she crawled into my lap again after running out to the landing to peer down the stairs. I couldn’t figure out what had her so excited and unnerved that she needed to be held.

Until Denny came up the stairs, rack from the toaster over in hand and said, “You know how you always tell me to put a plate under my food …” and showed me how the plastic plate had melted onto the rack. *sigh* He’s right, I have told him once or twice to make sure he puts a plate under whatever he’s heating up … in the microwave.

Why am I telling this story (other than the fact that it is funny and the house didn’t burn down)? It certainly isn’t to make fun of Denny for making a mistake. Or to point out how on the ball Elsa was in trying to alert me to something be wrong down below. The reason I am sharing this story is it so aptly illustrates how Denny is handling the journey with me through cancer and chemotherapy. As I mentioned before this journey is not mine, and mine alone. My health and well-being affects my family and friends, just as theirs affects me. Truthfully, Denny has been having a tougher time of things than I have. Forgetting things (like my 1st chemo appt.), being more tired, making mistakes he would never otherwise make. Like this one.

It’s not like heating things up in the toaster oven is a foreign activity for him. We use the toaster oven on a daily basis … and I mean we and not me. And yes, I recently had to remind him to put something under the food in the microwave—which he also already knows. So why is he so forgetful? Do I think he’s starting to go into early Alzheimer’s territory?

No. I don’t think dementia is setting in. I truly believe he is suffering from worrying too much about how things are going to go with me, and pushing those feelings down instead of talking about the fears. When you suppress so many feelings, and force yourself to be strong, there are negative side effects. He’s suppressing so much right now, he’s close to suppressing everything, so things that you know and take for granted that you know? Gone. One moment you know you need to take your keys to leave in your car… the next, you’re walking out the door without them. Why are you so forgetful? Because your mind is so occupied with keeping those things from you that you’re afraid to deal with or reveal.

I picture his mind much like the picture above. He will have a clear, almost sunny stretch, where lucid thought is easy, and he has his usual firm grasp on the essentials, but then something will trigger a thought about me, and the clouds come rolling in trying to bury the fears by hiding them in the mist. What are his fears? I can only guess. Fear that I will need more care than he feels capable of. Fear of losing me. Fear of my being in pain. In some ways, it is much easier to be the patient. I’ll deal with the hell when it comes, and I won’t be dealing with it alone. But Denny feels like he is alone in what he has to deal with. How can he possibly burden me with his fears? In some respects, he’s right. At the moment, I’d be able to deal with his fears just fine, but depending on how my journey continues, things may reach a point where I wouldn’t be able to help him deal with his fears. (And I’m hoping that won’t happen, and expect that it won’t—so far anyway.) But he’s not alone. And I hope to help him see that. BEFORE the house burns down. 😀

So how am I? Pretty good. Trying to get the sleep disruption under control. Still. Better night last night, but the night before that was pitiful. I have been taking the time not writing to do a little reading. Something I love and need to make more time for. I almost started writing last night. The characters (Tim and Tom) were willing and I had opened up the WIP (Work In Progress), but then I closed it. After getting better pain-wise, my right hand was hurting quite a bit after the full day’s work. The past few days have been a lot of coding work and I have not been wearing my compression glove because it was causing too much pain after removal. Which means I have to take extra care in not wearing out my hands with typing.

I tried to get a hair appointment for tomorrow to get my hair cut off (yes, I’m going short), but my stylist is getting over a cold, so the shearing will happen on Wednesday. Today is better pain wise, but I will also not work tonight for the same reason. By the end of the work day, my nerves in my hand, wrist, and forearm are tingling. Not only that… the tingles are migrating to the left. With the bloating and water retention and the little white cells running around and giving all the other blood cells the pep talk, it would sincerely be nice if my body would allow me a chance to write a little. I think my characters have settled down, and they are starting to talk to me again. But tonight, I will be good, and read.

Tomorrow—I write.

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Nov. 19.

An Evening of Rest

By Liana Gardner | Posted in Meh |
Comments (2)

My Status: Feeling Good
Mood: Cranky

Yesterday I thought I’d try an evening of rest. I’m back to work, albeit from home, knew I wouldn’t be writing, didn’t really want to do anything, so rest seemed like a good idea. Here’s the thing—I don’t rest well. I never have. Even when putting my feet up, kicking back and relaxing, my mind is usually working on something, in one way or another. Sooooo the rest thing … didn’t go all that well. So I tried going to bed early.

The sleep thing wasn’t happening either. *sigh* I’ll be tired, and as soon as my head hits the pillow … it’s not that my mind won’t turn off—my body won’t. Since having the chemo treatments, every time I hop in bed my stomach turns into a bubble factory. Literally. I am manufacturing so much gas, that if I could take what’s inside me, distill it, and convert it into fuel form, Denny and I would never buy another tank of gas. It’s ridiculous. And on top of that, my legs go into hyper-restless gear. It reaches the point where I want to give up and just stay up … forever.

But last night, after tossing and turning and keeping the dogs awake for two hours (or more), I had a brain wave. I haven’t been nauseous, but what if the same home remedies worked… a piece of toast, a few crackers to soak up whatever is burbling around inside me. And for the restless legs, a hot bath. Things like Gas-X were proving woefully inadequate against my bubble factory, so it was worth a try. What do you know? It worked.

In a very short time, I’m going to try the same thing (without the tossing and turning first) and see whether I was simply so exhausted anything would have worked, or whether this is a viable answer. I’ll let you know. Hopefully rest will come easily tonight… I need it.

Today has been a somewhat cranky day. I don’t have them very often, but today, it jumped me from the very start. What caused the crankiness? *shrugs* It could be the trouble getting to sleep. It could be simply what my body is going through and to be expected from time to time. Or it could be the increasingly unbearable silence in my head. My characters still aren’t speaking to me … not in the way they need to. I’m not writing—and this is bad. I need to write, but in order to do so, I need my characters to tell me what needs to go down on the page. Yes, I have an idea, but without them, it is only words, and has no meaning. No heart.

I did see the doc yesterday and all my blood work came back as being on track, and the doc is pleased with how I’m doing. So those are positive things.

If any of my fellow writers see my characters gallivanting about—tell them they are needed at home. Pronto!!

The picture at the top of the post is symbolic of my bubble factory. 🙂

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